You may not want to read this...

I don't know if I am even going to post this and I can't believe I am typing, but I think it may be therapeutic for me. It's a little after 2 am and I can't sleep, since my hips and back are aching.

I just wanted to tell you that I have had a miscarriage.

On Thursday night, I started to have some really light spotting. By morning, it had developed into heavier bleeding and some light cramping. I called the doctor's office when they opened and had to wait a little while to talk to the doctor. In that time, I was still bleeding and the cramping got worse. I continued bleeding with clots and some tissue. The doctor called back and I was able to make an appointment for that afternoon. They also set up an ultrasound at the hospital. (They don't have an ultrasound machine at his office, since he is a family doctor.)

I called my sis-in-law to see if she could watch the kids. She changed her plans and came over to keep me company. She ordered a pizza and took the kids to Aaron's parents' house to play while we had my appointments. She is awesome! She's more like a sister than an in-law.

By the time Aaron got home, (he is substitute teaching for summer school) The bleeding had slowed and the cramps were gone.

At the doctor's office, we learned that the bleeding was coming from my uterus.

We went to the ultrasound appointment and learned that I was no longer pregnant. There was nothing in my uterus.

This one has hit me harder than the miscarriage I had about 6 months ago. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep the cycle of trying, and failing to get pregnant and then get pregnant and lose the baby.

Aaron told Luke. He said it was about the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Luke keeps asking questions about the baby and, somehow, that almost makes it easier. I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't know how much I will be blogging in the near future, so I have you all have a good week.